Lately I’ve not really felt much like myself.  I’ve been lethargic, really unfocused, anxious and agitated.  Okay, so maybe I have been feeling like myself other than the lethargy part….lol.

Anyway, I did some digging to see what could be going on with me, and it seems that I’ve been afflicted with something that usually happens to teenagers when they are about 17 or 18 …  I found something that sounds almost exactly like me:

A common disease which plagues high school seniors at one point during their last year in high school. Before they graduate, they are overcome with a lazy and indifferent attitude; uncaring of their studies. There are many different causes of the disease, but it can often be contagious between close friends. Often results in a change in personal style; from anything beforehand to sweats and baggy shirts. Hair is barely ever brushed; or for women, is up in a messy bun or ponytail. They might have many absences and a generally dismissive outlook towards any type of school assignments.

Source:  Urban Dictionary

It’s official, I have Senioritis!

I am in the final 3 weeks of school before I finish my MSCJ (Master’s of Science Criminal Justice) and I can’t focus.  I have two undergrad degrees and neither time did I struggle writing my final papers but my master’s thesis is killing me.  Not because it’s hard, and I love school but GOOD LAWD !

I have a great support group and they’ve said “Hang in there, it’s almost over” and “You got this!” …. both of which I know are true but…GOOD LAWD!

I have thought about different ways that I could get through this, I like to think that I have a great set of coping mechanisms.  My first thought is that I could drink, I dismissed that because if I start drinking, I am entirely capable of missing the last 3 weeks of school altogether, so that was no good.  I have some friends who have successfully completed college high, but knowing me, I would spend the last 3 weeks of school either sleeping or eating foods that would cause my personal trainer to inflict serious bodily harm on me and I refuse to pay him to do that.

Since I couldn’t come up with an alternative method of coping with my senioritis, I thought that a 12 step program for stressed out master’s degree candidates would help me, until I read the steps:

Step 1 – We admitted we were powerless over our senioritis – that our lives had become insane.

Step 2 – Came to believe that only graduation could restore us to sanity

Step 3 – Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of anti-anxiety medications as we understand them.

Step 4 – Made a searching and feverish inventory of all of our research notes.

Step 5 – Admitted to our professors, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our research theories.

Step 6 – We’re entirely ready to have Microsoft Word remove all these defects of spelling and grammar.

Step 7 – Humbly asked APA formatting to remove our shortcomings

Step 8 – Made a list of all persons we had thought of harming, and became willing to make good on those promises if they interrupt our research or the reporting of our findings.

Step 9 – Made direct amends to such people who have previously interrupted our research or the reporting of our finidings…….at some point.

Step 10 – Continued to proofread our work and when we were wrong promptly ignored it

Step 11 – Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out

Step 12 – Having had a graduation as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other students, and to practice these principles in all our affairs

After reading the steps, I decided that turning over, asking, making amends, removing defects and all of that, in addition to my research and the reporting of my findings in my thesis was just undertaking more than I can deal with at the moment.

So, after all of the research I’ve done on my senioritis and the various ways that it can be managed, I decided that the best treatment for this disorder was to just got off my ass and make it happen……….I got this.

Sometimes we have those strange days that we feel claustrophobic in our own lives. Today is one of those days.  I am going to contribute part of this feeling to a big ole, fat ass case of PMS, but it’s not the best feeling in the world.

School started today, and even though the workload is heavy, I look forward to the start of the new sessions.  I do occasionally have these days where I feel locked in to a pressure cooker that has be surrounded by school, business issues, client things, family and personal stuff.  At the end of the day, I feel like I got a lot done but maybe not as supported as I’d like to feel.

No, this is not some “oh poor pitiful me” thing, rather it’s taking the time to acknowledge that I am not the only hard working person in the world that has moments of feeling closed in by the things that make up our life.    It’s not uncommon for women to be the main support beam for different areas of their life but sometimes being very aware that it feels like the beams that are supposed to support them, aren’t quite strong enough.

Wow, all of that can lead to some unhealthy shit, if one lets it.  So what is one to do?  First, it helps me to rethink how much responsibility I am trying to shoulder that is not mine.  I have to sometimes remove myself from all situations for a few hours and take a look at things.  It has to be realized that one person cannot fix everything, especially when other grown folks are involved.  Remembering that people were able to manage their lives before we showed up and will continue to do so even when we’re no longer involved is a great thing, because by remembering that, means that one can duck out and let other people handle their own stuff.

After all that, if I still feel locked in, I look at what I can accomplish in one day and make a list of priorities.  Sometimes I have trouble sticking to that, but it helps me feel like I’ve been productive anyway.

As my last act of reducing the pressure in my cooker, I grab my blanket, pillow and animals and tune in something random on Netflix.  That which can keep, will do so until the next day…..