You know, since I’ve been single, I have been playing the dating game and not playing well apparently.  Then I stopped and re-read, comments and things from my readers and I think a bunch of us have been so knocked around that we should be lined up in the dented and ding section at Sears.

Of all the baggage that I think we carry around, the dysfunction that I think we drag from relationship to relationship the most is distrust.  It’s easy to decide that people are shit but it’s not so easy to let our guard down and allow them to become sugar again.  It’s like you meet someone you totally click with and instead of being totally excited at first, the feelings inside are more like

I can attest to the fact that letting that guard down is one on the hardest things to do.  I don’t just have guards, I have stone walls, moats, drawbridges and the like…lol, getting in with me is almost list breaching the castle in the Prince Caspian movie….LOL.  Still, as in the movie, it is possible to get in.  Most people who have had their emotional foundations shaken in bad relationships develop those barriers but even so, we  are aware that in order to move on, we have to be willing to drop the bridge so to speak and invite someone in our fortress.  But when?

What is it that decides we are ready to let our guard down and try this madness again??  Is it the person?  Time?  Gut feeling?  I think it can be any of the three.  I believe so strongly that the right person can walk into our lives and stir up the feelings that we have been protecting behind those, what we wanted to be, impenetrable walls.  They stir up the feelings of trust, compassion, passion, desire, need to love and the need to be loved.  The biggest feeling that is awakened is our feeling of vulnerability.  I know that I can deal with almost anything but the feeling vulnerability throws me for a loop.  Why?  Because that means, my guard is or is on it’s way down and whoever I’m letting it down for can hurt me.  I’m like most people, not a huge fan of that.  The funny thing is, it’s easy for us to say that when we’re vulnerable, someone can hurt us but the flip side is that when we’re feeling vulnerable, someone can love us and help us to feel more emotionally safe.

Some people require time but if we start planning our emotions based on time we can schedule in our blackberry then we have become entirely too regimented or we have become entirely too regimented.    We can’t plan when to start trusting people in the Captain’s log but we can use the log to document when started to feel the joy and relief of letting someone in.

Where we get screwed up a LOT is we don’t trust our gut.  Our instinct is something we’re born with for a reason.  It’s been my experience that some of the biggest dating and non dating problems that I’ve had in my life didn’t stem from my intuition being wrong, they came from me ignoring my physical cues.  I think that many of us are guilty of “giving people a shot” per se.  How many people have you gone out with and you had the attitude “Meh, we’ll see what happens, this might work out” versus “Wow, the chemistry with this person is awesome, this is going to be a lot of fun”?  I know I have, I think we may have all had the urge to settle even though we don’t have to.  I think that if we trust our gut and let our guard down, we might be making a more accurate decision.

Sure, there is always the possibility of getting hurt no matter when we drop that guard but the other opportunity is there also for happiness, no guts, no glory………right?

So how do YOU decide it’s time to start lowering your guard with new people you date?

Okay so I got to really thinking about this booty call thing when someone asked me why I am so adamant that I don’t have them.  My PERSONAL reasons…you read that right?  My PERSONAL reasons are I’ve been there done those.

When I was younger I had my wild oats sowed, rolled, flipped, flapped, slapped and well, lets just say I have had my share of experiences…ha ha.  Back then I was out learning who I was and what I liked and the only way to know if I was into something or wasn’t going to like it was to do it……..so I did.  After many years, something really fucked up happened….I actually had FEELINGS for the person I was sleeping with…damn I hate when that happens…ha ha.  On the real, once I experienced what it was like to have sex with someone I was really, really feeling it was like the whole game changed.

A few years after that relationship was over, I got married and stayed that way for a long time.  During that marriage, I grew up a lot.  I knew who I was sexually but I really came into who I am as a person, not just a woman but I really was introduced to the real me.  Some days, I could kick my own ass because I’m a difficult bitch but at least I am well aware of that. I was married on paper 12 years and lived with him for 8.  I really did learn a lot about me, relationships and what was okay for me in the bedroom and outside of it as well.

What does all that have to do with why I don’t have booty calls?  Here’s what.

1.  I have learned over the years that I do not want to be a snot rag for some dude, I’m not gonna allow him to blow in me once and throw me away.

2.  I am stimulated by true intelligence and conversation.  To really peak my sexual interest, he can’t be someone who is only going to come over when he has time, get his, pat me on my head and leave.  That is not fulfilling to me.

3.  I am greedy and stingy.  If I am intimately involved with a man, I don’t want him sleeping with someone else and if he’s merely a booty call for me, then he’s one for someone else too.  I’m good on all that.  I know a man is gonna do what a man is going to do and I can’t stop him but I can be like the Air Force and “Aim High”.  That might leave me alone with the battery operated boyfriend for a while but I know where everything is, so I can just hook that up…ha ha

4.  I like to wake up with my partner in the morning, the “hit and run” leaves me feeling very used, cheap and unappreciated.

5.  I like to spend my time with people who like me for me and who also think that sex is something that is shared, not just something to do.  I have hobbies…I blog…ha ha.

I am not saying that having a booty call is wrong, it’s just not what I am into.  I am more of a relationship person and I’m willing to wait until I feel I really connect with someone before I hop in bed with them.  Yeah it leaves me single a lot and for long periods of time but I’d rather be alone than to deal with a bunch of drama that I can avoid and it’s not that they are drama per se but I know how I am, I can’t expect for someone to change up their game for me so it’s better for me to sit on the bench until I find someone who’s thinking is more like mine……lord help me.

Okay so what say you….do you have booty calls and do you really feel like you are getting all you need from that or are you just biding your time until someone better comes along?

Originally Posted July 7, 2009

This might be a question that only my guys can answer.  I think we as women can TRY but I think they hold the key on this one.

An ex-boyfriend of mine called and said “Hey, I’m coming to town, you should really give me some pussy while I’m there”.    *Scratches head (MINE)*….Hmmm, I did mention that he was in EX right??  Just checking.  So I asked him why I “should” and he responded “It’s not like I’ve never had it, you need to quit bein so mean”.    Right.

Okay, so he and I had managed to maintain a friendly relationship since our break up but he started me thinking.  He really said that with some sense of entitlement in his voice.  Why is it that so many men think once they have had sex with a woman that she’s an open door with a broken hinge, able to be opened whenever he’s ready without resistance?

I understand that women and men view sex very differently.  I throw it in there with the relationship thing and sex is a part of something different and men, apparently are not trying to have to whole meal, they wanna order their shit a la carte!

On further thought, maybe some women DO think the same way and since I don’t I am not aware of it so I guess  the question of the day is:

Once you have had sex with someone, do you think as long as you all are on good terms they should let you go back “just cause”?

I received this letter in my Myspace mail and I thought it was a great question for a blog topic, I also answered this question in my  Ask Stang Column (check it out, I will field questions there, it’s pretty cool)  Anyway the reader writes:

“Sometime in the past, you told me to stay away from black planet right? So I listened and now I’m on black people meet .com as in i paid for a subscription so im taking it seriously. Now, the question is , cause you may know , why don’t women take them seriously ? They always have some kind of half assed page with stank ass diva poses, showing bad ink and stretchmarks,and toys in the backround claiming that they don’t kids. It’s annoying ! I’m wondering if women even have to pay to be on these sites like we do. Why cant these people be direct and straight to the point? maybe I’m talkin this too seriously……

Signed

*Name Undisclosed to Protect Confidentiality* (If they want it known I’ll let them tell it)”

I have been on some “pay” singles sites in the past and have noticed that as well.  This problem is not just a female issue, there are some of these issues that apply to men as well so I’ll break it down the best that I can.

First thing is that most of those sites are guy heavy, meaning that there are far more men on the site than women.  Profiles on singles sites as far as any site is concerned is a form of advertising.  Women have learned that sex sells and they will do what they need to do in order to attract the attention.  What happens a lot of times in that case though, when a woman on a dating site has it all showing is she begins to wonder why all the men she attracts are only attracted to her sexually.  I have risque pictures on some sites but when I was a member of some of the paid sites, I posted my most conservative pictures so that men would not automatically assume I was easy and just out looking for random sex.  I don’t care how grimy the ass or how bad the ink, some guy is going to write that woman and tell her how fine she is.  To someone she may be so I think the kinds of pictures that people post on the pay sites dictate what kind of responses she’s going to receive.  This attention is also a major boost to the ego.

LOL @ showing the toys in the background and saying she doesn’t have kids.  I have no clue why people feel the need to lie, especially if they are in the market to actually meet someone.  Guys tend to do the same thing but they lie about two things, penis size and height.  The way I’ve always seen it is that if you are going to meet someone in person, why set yourself up for failure like that.  Guys and their height have gotten so bad that I now ask men if they are their real height or internet height.  Internet hight tends to be about two inches shorter than what he’s got listed.  People who have to lie about their body, lifestyle or something else to gain attention are feeling inferior and is hoping to paint a pretty enough picture to get them through he door.

The incomplete profile.  The drives me nuts on both the free social networking sites as well as the pay sites. I just tend to ignore them and keep pushing because to me they are either being lazy and just creating a profile so they can look and see what’s out there before they consider putting up information.  On the pay site’s I’ve been on, I listed in my description that if they didn’t have a picture or a complete profile that includes a recent body shot, don’t waste his or my time by hitting me up, I’m not going to answer.  Something else I have learned being on the net so much is that if they don’t have a picture and are only willing to email one, that they are either not who they are claiming to be or are already in some committed relationship.

The no picture thing is a deal breaker to me and I’ve heard the excuses “I can’t figure out how to load a picture on here”, “I don’t have any pictures stored on this PC, it’s a new one” or “I am a good looking person and I want to be judged on based on my personality and not my looks”.  Umm okay you do that.  With someone else.  I like to know who I’m chatting with and with everyone having a camera phone or digital camera there is no reason for a person to be on a dating site with no picture.  What good is that, I can’t see anyone wanting to get to know someone that they can’t see but have the benefit of seeing us.

Long story short, yes, women pay to be on those sites as well but the ones who are taking advantage of “free trial memberships” and the like are usually those who have half assed profiles.  I would venture to guarnantee that if a woman is paying 30 or so bucks a month for a profile on a dating site, she is going to put forth way more effort than those who are just there taking up space.  If you see  a half assed profile, no matter how pretty she is, I would probably just kick, push and move on.

My question is have you ever used a paid online dating site and what was your personal experience?

I saw an image tonight on my friend’s FB page and it said “Ladies, guys are sick of hearing you ask where all of the ‘nice guys’ are.  They’re in the ‘friend zone’ where you left them.”

I started thinking about all of the women that I’ve heard talk about how they didn’t want to get involved with a man because she didn’t want to ruin the friendship.  That doesn’t make any sense to me.  When I hear people say that, I tend to think that they are either not physically attracted to the person and are afraid to hurt their feelings, or they are not very comfortable with their own relationship skills.

I like to think that my lover is my best friend.  To me, my significant other should be the one that I share things with, enjoy doing things with and is my rock when things are getting tough.  My friends know more about men than someone I just meet and take the time to understand my quirky ways.  If a woman has a man in her life that does all of those things, why would she not want him as her lover?

Every relationship has the possibility of ending, be it a friendship or a romantic relationship. I think that so many women have been involved in bad relationships (I know men have too but I’m a woman and speaking from my own point of view), that it is easier to keep a guy in the friend zone.  See, if a man stays in the friend zone, a woman has the benefit of his company, his emotional support and consistent approval, without having to take the emotional risk that comes with being in a romantic relationship.

What tends to happen is, woman keep a guy in the friend zone, date some jackass that breaks her heart and then goes back to the friend zone to have him pick up the pieces.  I think that not only sounds selfish, but I also think that part of the reason the heart got broken is that the man she was dating didn’t respect the relationship the same way that the man in the friend zone does.  If this sounds like she wants her cake and eat it too, then that sounds just about right.

I am not saying that men and women cannot be friends, they can, they are plenty of men and women who are friends where neither of them is interested in the other romantically, and if that is the case then the above doesn’t apply.  I also know people who have maintained a platonic relationship with exes; I attribute that to the previous romantic relationship being built on a friendship.

I would say to the women that have men hovering around in the friend zone that you should take some time to evaluate the real reason that you keep those “nice guys” in the friend zone.  Maybe the nice guy is not what you want; it’s what you think you want.

Oh and ladies, if a man is not physically attractive to you, just tell him.  No, don’t come out and say that he’s ugly or whatever, but respect your friend by telling him the truth, you are not romantically interested in him.  Let’s retire that lame “I don’t want to ruin the relationship” madness, that phrase is right up there with “it’s not you, it’s me”.

There was a song that once asked the magic question “how can we be lovers if we can’t be friends”?  Well?

I guess I should preface this journey into the land of total phuckery by saying, the terms “ho, slut, manwhore” and the like are all relative to the speaker.  However, one’s perception of what a “ho, slut, manwhore” is, is based on the listener.  So, a man who knows a woman who sleeps with men because they have a car could be considered “hoish” by some….and resourceful by others….follow me??

Today’s lesson in “Ho-ology” is courtesy of Twitter….lol.  Last night, instead of doing my homework, like I should have been doing, I was goofing off on Twitter,  one of the TTs (trending topics) was #GirlsShould.  That sounded easy enough so I said ” #GirlsShould not act like a ho and expect to be treated like a lady.”  I still stand by that statement, if a person (male or female) chooses to be a “random” or a “jumpoff” for someone or a few someones, don’t expect that someone to open your doors, pull out your chair and all the stuff they do for their significant other, you are the “random” or the “jumpoff” without significant other status……know your role.

Anyhew…..about an hour later, I get this tweet and this woman is hotter than fish grease (mind you, my tweet had been retweeted without comment quite a few times), and attempts to give me a letter in political correctness.  She goes on some crazy ass rant about how I have my nerve to say that women who enjoy sex should be treated less than human……huh??  I had to look at my tweets again, this heffa is off her brick.  It gets better though, apparently, according to her therapist….damn, I mean her…. I am an advocate for disrespecting people based on their sexual habits.  Really?  I had no idea I was all that.  I thought what I said was pretty clear and not too open for misinterpretation or over analysis, I was apparently wrong as two left shoes.

She further goes on to say that it’s people “like me” that blame rape victims for their rape and find victims guilty of bringing sexual harassment on themselves, all because I used the word “ho”.  Miss Thang was on a roll, she was going to read me like some “easy reader” book, I am not sure what page she was on when she assessed that I was sexist and advocated for the degradation of women who choose to explore their sexuality.  REALLY??!!!  I said all that??!!!  I thought what I said was  ” #GirlsShould not act like a ho and expect to be treated like a lady.”   Issues much?

About this point, I had come to the reality that she must have been called a “ho” recently and taken personal offense to my tweet…..and?  I attempted to explain that the word was relative to those who use it and people have the right to choose who they are with based on their own personal criteria.  If a man does not want a woman, or a woman does not want a man that has been circulated like a newspaper, that’s their choice.  I never advocated nor suggested that anyone should be treated like dirt.

This woman was in her feelings, deep……she was not in her head at all and she was going to make me pay for every man that hit and quit her and every woman that has ever called her a “ho” to her face and behind her back.  I was apparently the source of every misjudgment that had been made where she was concerned and she was going to make sure I knew all about it, which she qualified by tweeting “yeah, i got my hackles up about the word “hoe” …so? Maybe I identify with “hoe-ness” more than I do ladyhood, after all i enjoy fucking”.  I guess so….

Finally, I got tired of hearing all that and I said “As you please, you have your right to be offended and I have my right to not care……with all due respect”.  She responds to me  by saying “dont bother with the respect. I’m a hoe, I dont DESERVE to be treated with respect. ”  Hell, all I had to say about that was …. “As you wish…”…. LOL

This all goes back to the adage “It’s not what they call you, it’s what you answer to”,  I never called HER anything, actually had very little idea who she was until she wanted to defend her “ho-ness”.  My thing is this, women and men are free to express themselves sexually in any manner that one sees fit.  How others perceive that man or woman is not my call…..it’s theirs.  If someone perceives one as a “ho” and chooses to sleep with that “ho”, no more, no less, that is up to the people involved.  However, if one chooses to be so blatant and open about their encounters (who, what, where, when, why, how, methods, frequency, position…) that they appear to be a person that one does not want to take home to meet their parents, move on….don’t get mad, open your own door and leave.

I still say  ” #GirlsShould not act like a ho and expect to be treated like a lady”.  Does that make me right??  To some, yes and to others, no…it’s their choice, one does not have to agree with me, it’s their life.

On an end note, this person’s bio says:  ”PottyMouthDirtBag,HawaiianWhtBlk, Altruistic,HappyFatty, Slam poet, Blogger, Raging Womanist/Feminist, Potential Soc.Worker, Offending Yu For 22yrs”

It looks like to ME that offender has become the offended…..C’est La Vie.  Thank you for joining me on this journey into total phuckery, I hope you have enjoyed your visit, thank you, please come again and watch your step.

I think we all have those people in our lives that we wish we had never given our phone numbers to.  For a while, I had so many that I just finally set up a Google voice account to manage that phuckery.

Anyhew, this guy that I talked to years ago just popped up like toast in my text messages the  other day and asked me for a “sexy pic” , the exchange went a little something like this:

Him:  I want a sexy pic of you!
Me:   How does it feel to want?
Him:  Lol nice

(Pause when I didn’t reply)

Him:  Come on
Me:   Why do you keep bothering me?
Him:  Cause I like to lol
Me:   Like I’ve asked to you before, just lose my number
Him: Oh stop u big baby
Me:   Look, you’re a nuisance.  If I wanted to stay in touch with you, I would have.
Him: Well I know you want to deep down inside
Me:   Nothing runs that deep
Him:  Lol awe
Him:  You know I intrigue u lol
Me:   No, actually, you annoy the piss outta me
Him: Whatever ur psyco

Psycho?  Seriously?  I am not going to blame all men of behaving this way but this is not the first time that I am aware of a man calling a woman psycho because HE can’t get any conversation.

In my opinion, guys who go there for that reason have some really distorted view of themselves.  I believe that there are men out there who think that a woman who denies him attention must be crazy because “any woman would feel honored” that he gave her some attention.  FAIL!!  That is not the case, the case is, she just wasn’t interested for whatever reason and on the real, she doesn’t have to give one.  Not being interested is her choice, just like it’s a guy’s choice to not be interested in a particular woman for whatever reason.

Look, there is a huge difference between someone being a challenge and a person being a total pain in the ass.  If someone lets you know that they are not interested in you, just be like Lupe Fiasco, just “Kick, push, and coast…..”